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Mail Fraud/Transcript
Wanda Dollard: Sunscreen. Brent Leroy: Check. Wanda: Suntan lotion. Brent: Check. Wanda: Sunglasses. Brent: Check. Lacey Burrows: Hey, what's up? Are you goin' somewhere? Brent: Yeah, it's my annual vacation. It comes around every two or three years. Wanda: Like my annual raise. Lacey: Well, where are you goin'? Somewhere sunny, I assume? Brent: Not necessarily. Lacey: Well, what's with all the sun stuff, sunscreen, sunglasses? Brent: I packed tennis shoes. Doesn't mean I'm goin' to Wimbledon. I didn't actually pack tennis shoes, that's just an example. Okay, see ya. Wanda: See ya. Lacey: See ya. Wanda: Hey, the potluck's comin' up. Remind Davis to sign up for napkins. Karen Pelly: No. Every year he weasels out of cooking by bringing napkins. Not this time. Lacey: Yeah. But they're always nice napkins. Wanda: Yeah. Karen: It's not fair. He's gotta cook this year. No Get-Out-Of-Napkin-Free card. Wanda: How do you get out of a napkin? Lacey: You know, if you're gonna use a Monopoly analogy, it should be a Get-Out-Of-Kitchen-Free card. Wanda: I think it was a mistake to go down the free card road at all. Karen: Davis is gonna cook, that's all I'm saying. Wanda: Yes, that is all you're saying. Oscar Leroy: Sure, make friends with a robot, see if I care. I don't know why Brent brought that over. Emma Leroy: It's for email. Oscar: Email. It doesn't even use stamps. What are the stamp people supposed to do now? Emma: You mean the Post Office? Oscar: No, I mean the people who make and design the stamps. Does anybody ever think about them? Emma: One lunatic's enough. Oscar: It's all Internet this and typey that. What ever happened to good old face-to-face conversation? Emma: Well, if you feel that strongly about it... Oscar: Shssh! Commercial's over. Hank Yarbo: Brent left for his vacation? Wanda: Yep, took off this morning. He's now incommunicado. Hank: Where's that? Wanda: You're familiar with the Island of Ignoramus? Lacey: Where did he go, anyway? Hank: We never know till he gets there, and only if he sends a postcard. Wanda: By the time you get that, he's off to some other exotic country. Lacey: Brent goes to two countries on one vacation? Wow. Let me ask you a question. Hank: Okay, but then you gotta answer mine. Lacey: Sure. I'm just wondering how, how Brent affords trips like that. Well? Wanda: That wasn't a question, "I wonder" such and such. You're just telling us what you're wondering. Lacey: Oh. Well, fine. I'll ask again. Hank: Ah, one question each. My turn. Where's Communicado? Lacey: I just want to know, I mean tell me how, I mean how does yes, that's a question how does Brent afford vacations like this? Hank: He just manages somehow. Actually, I'm a little jealous of the guy. Wanda: Yeah, me too. Brent may not know much, but he sure knows how to vacation. Hank: Yeah. I mean just look at him out there. Davis Quinton: Hey, hey, hey, potluck sign-up. Karen: That's right. Davis: Potlucks are so easy. Sign up for one little thing, you get a whole meal. I love 'em. Karen: I bet you do. Davis: Hey, you want a coffee? Karen: I'm bringing napkins this year. Davis: Yeah, yeah, I saw that. Great. Karen: You must be a little disappointed. Davis: No. No, I like it when there's napkins. It cuts down on stains and whatnot. Karen: And you're doing main course, the whole main course, all of it. Davis: Yeah. I'll have to think of somethin' good. Karen: Because normally it's the opposite, I do main course, you do napkins. Davis: Yeah. It's a funny old world, Karen, a funny old world. Lacey: Brent, I gotta tell you, this looks kinda... Hank: Lacey, come here quick. It's an emergency. Lacey: What? What's going on? Wanda: What are you doing? You can't talk to Brent when he's on vacation. Lacey: OK, wait a second. So there's no emergency? Hank: Yes, there is. That emergency is you talkin' to Brent on his vacation. Wanda: If we could talk to him, he wouldn't be on vacation. He needs a break from all the pressures and stress of work. Lacey: Stress? Oh c'mon. He pumps maybe 40 litres of gas a day and drinks 50 litres of coffee with Hank. Wanda: So then replace the word "stress" with "fumes" and the word "pressures" with "Hank." Hank: The guy still deserves a break. Lacey: Well, I am sorry for trying to talk to my friend, who's sitting ten feet from where I usually talk to him. Wanda: It's okay. You didn't know. Oscar: Nice of you to pay a visit to your place of business. Lacey: Me? You know your son is just sitting in a lawn chair out on the grass? Oscar: He's on vacation. Lacey: He puts on a Hawaiian shirt and drinks mai tais by the gas pumps. That doesn't seem weird to anyone? Oscar: Hah! That doesn't even make the list of the top 100 weird things that kid does. He gave a computer to his own mother. Davis: That email Emma sent was pretty funny, eh? Lacey: Oh, yeah. Do you think that was a real penguin? Karen: Oh, he musta been. Oscar: What did the penguin do? Davis: You didn't get it? Oscar: No. Lacey: Well, Oscar, penguins don't usually drive cars. Karen: I think he meant he didn't receive it. Lacey: Oh, well. It was hilarious. Oscar: I'm gettin' the email. Lacey: What? So you're gonna go and figure it out all by yourself and next time we see you, you'll have email? Oscar: Damn straight. Oscar: I told 'em I could figure it out. Ian: So that's how you send. Oscar: Great. Where's the penguin? Hank: Hey, everybody, I just got a postcard from Brent. He's in Aruba. Lacey: Wow! That is good mail service. Hank: "Dear Hank. Aruba is warm, but windier than I anticipated. I've lost seven hats so far. Havin' a wonderful time. Send more hats." Lacey: That's a Dog River postcard, with Aruba written on it. Hank: Wait. He puts "Ha-ha-ha." So that's a joke. He doesn't really want us to send more hats. Oscar: I sent ya an email. Emma: You have email? Oscar: That's right. I put the gigabits into the floppy drive and boom. Emma: I'm impressed. You did that all by yourself? Oscar: Well, Ian helped, a bit. The guy's a genius. Ian: Hey, Mrs. Leroy. You got any cookies? Emma: They're in the jar marked "Cookies," Whiz Kid. So where's this email? Oscar: Give it time. I only sent it today. Emma: What address did you use? You know it's not the one on the front of the house? Oscar: I know. It's gotta have that "at" sign in it. I'm not an idiot. Emma: You have no idea where you sent it. Oscar: Well, how many Emmas can there be in the Internet? Asian Woman (in Chinese): Who's Oscar Leroy? Asian Man (in Chinese): Some jackass. Is that a penguin driving? Lacey: I need an explanation. Will you, you at least need to talk to me, because it's rude to just sit there... Brent: Dear Lacey. I hope this postcard finds you well. Lacey: What are you doing? Brent: I've spent the last few days in Aruba. Lacey: What, you're a verbal postcard now? Brent: As I'm not in Dog River at the moment, I can't speak with you directly. I know this must seem foolish to you, but I've never been one to bow to peer pressure. Except when I had that cigarette in high school, and wearing rugby pants in the '80s. I don't know. Anyway, I wish you were here in person so I could tell you this directly. Lacey: I am there. I'm, I mean I'm here. You're here. Brent: I must sign off now. We're about to land in Madrid, and Kyle, our flight attendant, has demanded I put my table tray in its upright position. He's a saucy one. See ya soon. Hola. Brent. Karen: So, what are ya gonna cook for the potluck? Davis: Don't know. I'll wing it. Karen: But it's main course. You gotta put some effort into it. Davis: Oh, I'm not too worried. It's not like napkins. With napkins, you have to pick a theme, then make sure all different sizes, dessert, cocktail, main, are available in said theme. Karen: People use them to wipe ketchup off their face. Davis: Don't underestimate napkins. Karen: Well, don't underestimate main course. Davis: I'm not sure I'm gonna be doing it at all. Hank got a bunch of steaks from his cousin and wants to trade me for hot side dish, which would be easier, actually. Karen: Thanks a lot for the steaks. These are gonna be great. Hank: You sure you're gonna be able to eat all those? Karen: Oh, yeah. I love steaks. Hank: Oh, wait. Now I gotta find somethin' for the potluck. Frankly, I'm a little worried about my hot side dish. Karen: I, I got a great recipe for sweet potato pie, really easy, really good. Hank: Sorry, buddy, can't trade with ya. Davis: Ah, no biggy. It's only main course. Emma: Check your email. Oscar: Fine. What do ya do? Emma: Here. Oscar: What do you mean you're going out? Emma: Make your own lunch. Oscar: I know what a sandwich is. Emma: It's in the tin box that says "Bread" on it. Oscar: Watch your language, Emma. You're gonna get us kicked off the Internet. Hank: Is Aruba near Cuba? Lacey: They don't arrange countries phonetically. Hank: Oh. It would be cool if they did, though. Then Canada would be next to Granada. Lacey: It's Gran-ay-da. Hank: Yeah, right. And we live in Can-ay-da. So did Brent tell ya where he was goin' next? Lacey: Yeah. Yeah, he just landed in Madrid, which is right beside Fadrid. Hank: Ah, lucky skunk. Lacey: Hank, he's not lucky. He's delusional. I mean do you ever imagine yourself travelling somewhere you're not? Hank: No. I can't pull it off. I've tried. I've, uh, pictured myself on an island and I imagine some pretty girl rubbin' oil on my back, and then I imagine her boyfriend poundin' my face in. Then I imagine I'm suddenly made out of steel and a laser gun grows outta my shoulder and I start shootin' at the guy. Lacey: That's what you imagine every time? Hank: Well, no. Sometimes a bazooka comes outta my chest. Lacey: Hmm. Well, that doesn't sound very relaxing. Hank: I know. Brent's got the gift, you know? He pictures himself all over the world, while I'm stuck here not goin' anywhere. Reading his postcard from Fadrid, it kinda stinks when you think about it. It's selfish. You're right, Lacey, I should go tell him off. Thanks. Lacey: What? Oscar: Where's my coffee? I sent ya an email a half an hour ago. Helen Jensen: Great. I'll do main course and you can do jellied salads instead. Davis: Sure thing. Works for me. Karen: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why would you do that? Helen: I gave my sister my jelly moulds and she went out of town. Karen: Well, well, I have moulds, tons of moulds. I'd be happy to lend them to you. Helen: Oh, that would be great. Karen: I guess you'll have to stick to main course then. Davis: Sure thing. Works for me. Helen: Karen, are you sure? Karen: Oh, you bet. If there's one thing I have, it's jelly moulds. Karen: How much are these jelly moulds? Oscar: Did you get my funny email? Wanda: No. Oscar: I sent you a bunch. Wanda: I know. None of them were funny. Oscar: They're L-O-L. Wanda: Lame Out Loud? And could you stop sending them to me? The attachments are clogging up my inbox. Oscar: That's probably because you hooked your hard drive into the protocol and then used your bytes to spam it up the Internet. Wanda: How will we tell when you actually do lose your mind? Oscar: This coming from a woman who doesn't even read emails. I know techie stuff. Ask Ian. Ian: Does Lacey sell cookies? Oscar: "Cookies" is computer talk. Lacey: What do you make of this? Wanda: I don't know, but I know it's not healthy. He's got the bug spray right beside the cooking spray. That's got lawsuit written all over it. Lacey: No. I mean Brent out there on the grass, his vacation. Wanda: If he wants to sit there and not talk, let him. We've seen him standing and not talking. We're not missin' much. Lacey: Yeah. I just feel badly for him, that's all. Wanda: What if someone sprays poison bug repellent on a muffin tray? Real nice. Lacey: It's like he'd like to go on a real vacation, but he can't. Wanda: Or you walk into a cloud of mosquitoes and whip out a can of Pam. Who's that gonna help? Lacey: Somehow I get the feeling you don't find this as sad as I do. Wanda: No, not really. Lacey: Just look at him, imagining he's on some beach somewhere, but still in sight of work. Wanda: Yeah, you're right. Screw him! Lacey: No, I didn't say that. Wanda: He sits there mocking us on his lawn chair while we do all the work. Kind of a jerky thing for him to do. This has been a real eye opener. Thanks, Lacey. Lacey: Oh, no. Wanda, wait! Wanda: Dear Brent. I know you're on vacation. But if you get a chance, maybe in between your pedicure and your mud bath, you can fix the debit machine like you said you would. All the best. Wanda. Brent: Dear Wanda. You can do it. Sincerely, Brent. Wanda: Dear Brent. I don't have the pass codes to fix the machines, do I? P.S. Your shirt's ugly. Hank: Dear Brent. If you were any kind of pal, you'd dream me over there with ya instead of leavin' me here. Brent: Dear Hank. If I wanted you here, I woulda stayed there. Hank: Dear Brent. You suck out loud! Wanda: P.S. You got pasty white chicken legs. Brent: Dear Lacey. I can't help but get the feeling you've ruined a good thing. Wish you were here so I could thank you in person. Lacey: I'm sorry. Oh, I mean, Dear Brent. I am sorry... Brent: It's okay. You can forget the postcard talk. I'm back now. Lacey: I didn't mean to ruin it. Brent: Oh, it's not your fault. You just hounded me and everyone else until our bubble burst and the good times came crashin' down to earth. It's no biggy. Lacey: I couldn't wrap my head around it. Everybody said that you went on vacation and you stayed here. Brent: Yeah. I call it a staycation. It's actually quite relaxing. Lacey: Well, maybe you can get back there. Where were you last, Hawaii? Brent: Oh, no. Too many tourists this time of year. Lacey: Well, can't you just imagine it's another time of year? Brent: Time travel? I'm not a warlock. Anyway, what's done is done. Lacey: No! No, no. We can do this. I'm goin' to Tahiti right now. Brent: Okey-doke. I'm gonna go fix a debit machine. Lacey: Kyle says, uh, "Fasten your seatbelts." Wanda: Hey, Jane Kendal wants to trade with Davis for the potluck. I know how you're all weird about that. Karen: I'm not weird. Napkins is easy, way easy. Main course, way, way hard. Wanda: Yeah, you're not weird at all. Jane: Anyway, I'm supposed to bake cupcakes, but Len's trying to lose weight and the smell of them drives him crazy. Davis: Hey, no problem. I can do dessert. Jane: Oh. Jane (phone): Hello? Karen (phone): Yeah, it's Karen. I heard you needed an oven. You could use mine. It loves to be used. You should use it. Jane (phone): Okay, then. Jane: Ah, never mind. Davis: Consider it never minded. Emma: I need to use the computer. You've been on it all afternoon. Oscar: Ah, relax. I'm just finishing an email. P.Dot.S.Dot.I... Emma: For the love of Pete, just send it. Oscar: Oh, don't rush me, woman. I'm on the information super roadway thingy. Now what? Ian: Hit Return. Emma: Don't you have a home? Ian: I'm goin' to the kitchen. Do you want anything? Emma: Yeah. When you get to the back door, keep going. Oscar: Did you say return or delete? Davis: Mmm. Is spaghetti hard to make? Karen: You don't know what you're making? Brent: Don't rush him. It's not till tonight. Davis: Yeah. Man, the service around here's gettin' worse. Where the heck's Lacey? Brent: Staycation. Lacey: You know, I have changed my mind about this vacation thing. Oh, this is great. I'm in the south of France right now. Hank: Ah, how come I can hear ya? Lacey: Because I'm a postcard. Hank: But you didn't say, "Dear Hank." You're not in the south of France. You're stuck here with the rest of us. Karen: Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got a little free time before the big potluck. Jane: Okay, I'm ready to go. Karen: Oh. Right. Helen: The jellies aren't gelling. Are your moulds coated with something? Karen: How should I know? Helen: Well, they're your moulds. Karen: I'll, I'll come over. Jane: I think your breadmaker's on fire. Karen (phone): Oh. Hello? Hank (phone): I don't know about this sweet potato pie. The potatoes aren't sweet. Karen (phone): Did you buy sweet potatoes? Hank (phone): It's hard to tell until you get 'em home and taste them. Karen (phone): I'll, I'll be right over. Davis: Oscar, there's been an incident. We need to talk. Oscar: Not now. I'm downloading a Google. Davis: Well, you'll have to stop. I just got a call from the folks down at the Internet. Oscar: Oh, no. I didn't do anything. Davis: Yeah? Well, according to their records, you attached some infected blogs that... Emma: Fire wired themselves to the zip link? Davis: Yeah, on the mainframe. Oscar: It was Ian's fault. He's a bad apple. Emma: I, I hope we didn't annoy everyone down at the Internet. Davis: Yeah, well, they're pretty ticked off. But I think I can make this all go away if Oscar promises never to go online again. Emma: Just do what they say. Oscar: Fine. But don't think I'm not gonna write a letter to the Internet. The stamp people will back me up on this. Emma: Thanks a lot. Davis: You bet. Emma: Here's your main course. Davis: All right! Lacey: Mmm, Davis, these crepes are amazing. Davis: The who? Lacey: The crepes you brought. Davis: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like 'em too. You know, it's really hard finding a good recipe for grapes. Lacey: For what? Davis: The, the, the, the thing you said. Karen: Okay, the sweet potato pie is there, Jane has her cupcakes, the jelly salads are holding together. Brent: Hey, uh, where are the napkins? I have ketchup on my face. Karen: Right, napkins, good old napkins. Brent: You didn't bring napkins? Davis: Don't worry. I've got some spares in my car. There's no unifying theme, but I think they'll work. Lacey: Hey, everybody. Davis brought the main course and napkins. Brent: I heard you just brought grapes. Lacey: Oh, Portugal's nice this time of year. Brent: Yeah. I shoulda come here before. One for her too, please. Lacey: What? Brent: I just ordered you a drink from the bar. Lacey: Well, Brent Leroy, aren't you sweet. Brent: I imagine I am. Lacey: Well, here's to some well-deserved time off. Brent: The drinks haven't come yet. Lacey: Oh. Brent: But I appreciate the thought. Cheers. Lacey: Well, maybe we can do it again sometime. Brent: Yeah, absolutely. Only next time could ya fill this with pie? Lacey: I don't bake on staycation. Category:Transcripts